I wasn't planning to be back however it seems that I have not given this disease enough credit. I have been quite laid back in my approach lately. The message has now become clear to me. I get it, I have a disease, a chronic disease that needs my attention. It is presenting much like it did in the old days. Colds one after another, exhausted and weak, mouth sores, and tender to the touch joints. Not a comfortable place to be but I obviously needed the reminder. I have spent a lot of time in bed which has given me lots of time to be mad and to think. The only thing that has not become clear to me is how to stop being mad, worried, or sad. It is not helping matters. Actually I am certain it is making things worse. I am going to be a therapist, I know it is healthy to be all of those things :) That however does not make it any easier on my body. I am doing everything I need to do now to turn this stretch around. To put things into perspective. The holidays are around the corner, a time to enjoy and celebrate with the people I love. I can not do that if I am not well and if I do not take better care of myself this will continue to go downhill. It is hard not to feel responsible for the turn of events over the past 6 months. I stopped being cautious. I felt like I was well and simply forgot how terrible it is to be in this place. I don't know how long this will last and that scares me. It worries me and gets in my way. It does not allow me to be the person I know I am. I am working on just going day to day and not looking ahead, not my specialty but currently is necessity.

A long time coming

I have been thinking about this for a long time and was inspired by this post by a dear blogging friend. When I first started on this journey I couldn't get enough RA info. Blogs, journals, books, treatment options, the list goes on. I was obsessed, obsessed with getting well. I would have done anything to do so. As time has gone by I realize well is a relative term. Some days I feel well, other days I do not, but consider myself very fortunate and blessed. I come a very long way since I started treating with my acupuncturist. Although it is ever changing and requires much flexibility on my part, I feel better than I have in years.

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I have realized writing about RA is hard, reading about it is even harder. I am not in denial and it may sound as if I am not willing to face reality. The exact opposite is true. I face reality each day. I understand fully what this disease has the capacity to do which is why I can't read most blogs and write very little about RA. It sends me off track and into a very scary place. Because of the way I am choosing to treat this disease it is essential I stay focused on my goal and treatment. I know it is non-traditional but it has worked for me.

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I have learned so much from this disease and from many of you. Most importantly, what a wonderful experience it has been to open myself up to your love and support. Without it I would never have gotten to this point. That being said this will be my last post. I am not a never kind of girl but for now it is best. To my dear RA friends, I will always be here if you need. I understand.

This is how I am feeling lately......things are a little stormy but I am staying fairly dry under the rainbow. Keeping things in perspective and being grateful for the progress my body has made. Rough days are just that, rough days. We all have them, they just look different for all of us. My little budda, Averie, said to me yesterday while we were doing some work outside, "mommy, are you better from your Arthritis?" I took a moment to think about what she said and replied, "yes Aves I think I am better, do you think I am better?" She says, "yep, a lot better." She's right, I am a lot better, good thing my wise little six year old is here to remind me!

Still pi**ed.....

Yep, still pi**ed......I did see my acupuncturist yesterday which always seems to be scheduled just when I need it. As she inserted the needles she was reminding me of the progress I have made; my joint pain is most often minimal and although the rest of my symptoms come and go I am able to manage them with no prescription medication. I have been reminding myself of that over and over and just letting myself be angry. It is important to just let yourself be and feel so for now this is where I am hanging out....

Rheumatoid arthritis: An autoimmune disease which causes chronic inflammation of the joints, the tissue around the joints, as well as other organs in the body. Autoimmune diseases occur when the body tissues are mistakenly attacked by its own immune system. The immune system is a complex organization of cells and antibodies designed normally to "seek and destroy" invaders of the body, particularly infections. Patients with these diseases have antibodies in their blood which target their own body tissues, where they can be associated with inflammation. Because it can affect multiple other organs of the body, rheumatoid arthritis is referred to as a systemic illness.

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I am not exactly sure why I felt the need to look up the definition of RA tonight, it's not like I am unsure of what it is or does or has the potential to do to my body. Mostly I think it is because I am upset. I am upset that RA exists, I am really upset that I have found myself in this predicament if you will. Over the past couple days I have been on the verge of tears more than I would like over this disease. I am attributing the tears to the fact that my throat sores and fluish feelings are back most likely from the indulgences I have had over the last few weeks or from too much running. In any case it is a bunch of crap. A few indulgences or running should not lead to throat sores or feeling like I have the flu for days at a time. I am reasonable and quite cautious, the whole thing is simply unfair and I am just pissed about it.

While I am ranting and raving......I have been thinking about the Arthritis Walk/Run and wouldn't you know a email came to me today about our local chapter's walk coming up in September. This just fueled my fire. A walk, forget it, I am not doing a walk. Do they think none of us can run, well forget it, I am not doing it. That is what ran through my mind as I read the email. Obviously I am pissed off.......

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After taking a break for a few months this is not the post I would have liked to write but this is the real deal. Diseases suck, it is unfair that lives are at times governed by them and I am not happy about it. But, I am not worried nor should you be. I will get back to a place that is more comfortable for me to be in. The sores will go away, the aching will subside and this will seem more manageable. It is just how it goes, I have accepted that, but for now this just stinks.

Always Growing

I wrote about the lotus my very first post, about its significance to me and my journey. New beginnings, transformation, rebirth, and infinite potential........notice the flowers in the photo are not in full bloom, still growing and blossoming.

I don't usually remember things unless they are written down, birthday's and anniversary's need to be on my calendar, important dates often escape my mind, my memory needs to be jogged. For the last couple days I have been thinking alot about being med free and then it came to me......I have been med free for 9 months tomorrow. On September 17, 2008 I gave my body a gift, the chance to begin healing itself. Words escape me, the journey has been quite indescribable......so instead I will just give a little update. I have avoided doing that because the days are ever changing, which is how life is, constantly changing, we are always adapting. The great thing about change is that bad days don't last forever. My joints calm down, my dizziness subsides, my mind stops racing and the calm returns. I love those days. But I have also been spending my time working to embrace the bad days. I have been working on loving myself and all that I am, accepting each day for what it is and not making it something it is not. Whew, not an easy task.......but one I would highly recommend you give a try. Although it is in my nature to attempt, I do not do any of this perfectly. When my perfectionist mind gets going I gently remind myself to stop AND YES I have to remind myself of that quite often :) I can finally say RA has taken the backseat, while part of me, it does not define me. I am so proud of my decision to go med free and grateful that God has graced me with the support and guidance I have had from so many, I truly would not be in this place without each one of you.

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And........for those of you who don't believe in miracles. Early in the day I decided I deserved a treat. Many of you know when I have made up my mind chances are you will not change it, a curse at times :) So in an hour long conversation about dinner Stefan had his work cut out for him trying to discourage me from eating something I would later regret. As I said....... when my mind is made up, well you know how it goes. So as we walked into a dreamy little Italian restaurant my mouth watered thinking about the pizza or Alfredo I was about to delight in. Basking in the smell of rich Italian food, I chose.......a gyro salad. Yes, my friends miracles do come true! As my family delighted in their pizza, I enjoyed a delightful gyro salad......are you a believer?

How are you going to find yours?????

The view from one of the lakes.......

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Gifts........the best ones I have ever been given by my sweet hubby have been free or very inexpensive. Actually lately he gives me more gifts than he probably knows, but this is about the gift he gave me last Thursday. We had a little date, a date at the lake........a date I had been anticipating all week, a running date. You see Stefan and I are poster children for opposites attract. He is a calm spirit, I am restless.....when it comes to music, politics, and t.v., we agree to disagree. I am active and love to be outside, he is content to hang on the sofa. So this, this gift, was a big deal........I picked him up from work and we headed to my favorite place in the city, a place that makes everything else disappear, the lakes. We laced up our tennies, my heart racing, the excitement reminded me of our college days, I think my whole body was smiling. I talked most of the run and he mustered a few words which is not uncommon around here anyway :) I was proud to have him by my side as I have always envied the girls running with their significant other and now the tables were turned. Ahhhhhh.........for that 30 minutes no worries, peace and calmness. He and I enjoying one another's company and the beautiful lake. Thank you my dear Stefan!

It's never too late........

This makes my heart swell and brings tears to my eyes every time I watch it. Susan Boyle......you must know her name. She is the 47 year old singer on Britain's Got Talent. She gracefully reminds that often judgements are misplaced and unfair, that it is never too late, dreams do come true. Take a minute, share in her joy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY&feature=related

If you put a lid on a pot that is boiling eventually it will boil over.........That being said food issues could quite possibly make my pot boil over. First, I have had lots of trouble eating clean as we call it. I have spent a very long time sorting through old troubles and and habits and working towards peace in my heart, which is no surprise to any of you. During rough patches I have a tendency to give myself full permission to eat whatever I would like. Now I don't think it is a terrible idea to take a little break sometimes but I seem to take a little break to the extremes. I never thought that I would feel this good again so I think it gives me the illusion of being free to make whatever food and lifestyle choices that I would like. This however is not the case. I still have a disease, a debilitating life altering disease and regardless of working towards peace, RA waits patiently for the perfect storm so it can remind me it is still with me. So it is really up to me to foster conditions that will allow my body to continue to heal. Seems so easy to understand when I put it into words but accepting it has been quite difficult for me.



In addition to my own food challenges, my sweet Tate has still been having skin issues. With all I have learned I now know that it is not just a skin issue for him but could cause other more serious problems down the road. Most likely his issues are directly related to mine. My RA started shortly after Tate was born, my acupuncturist explained that after years of the perfect storm brewing, my adrenal glands were overworked and eventually shut down. My body was not able to get what it needed on its own so they started tapping into Tate's little body, which lead to problems for him. Sigh........So I feel like it is absolutely our responsibility to sort this out for him so his little body can heal. That being said he is now wheat, grape, apple, and dairy free (except eggs and yogurt). Ughhhhh........the amount of mom guilt this situation produces is crazy! Don't get me wrong, I know that this is what is best for him but take those things out a kids diet and what is left, not much fun stuff! The idea behind the elimination is that the lining of his tummy has too many little holes in it where the proteins from these foods get through and into his bloodstream causing inflammation and in his case skin problems. Overtime the hope is that the lining of his tummy will heal, the holes will close and he will be able to tolerate those foods he was previously intolerant too. If we did not do this his body could eventually be overtaxed as mine was and other things could stop working, not good. He takes a probiotic each morning to assist with the healing. Please pray that this process will be speedy........this is a learning process, we do not do it perfectly, we still love Doritos and fish sticks, but I am determined not to allow the perfect storm to brew in their little bodies.

I don't know if it is the treadmill or the weather, or maybe it is that if you are in a funk long enough you just eventually pull through it.......nonetheless here I am. As I was running today, yep running, I was thinking about how much I believe in the body's ability to heal itself when given the proper care. I was also thinking that if I don't turn some things around my body will soon take a turn for the worse. It has been hanging on, rather well I might add despite the conditions I have been providing. I am not apologizing to my body or making excuses, it is what it is. We all go through stressful times, especially now, being aware and feeling the emotions, riding the wave.....it is what is best for our minds and our body. Ideal, but easier said than done. Onward and upward......

What's on Your Nightstand? Do tell......

The books that are on my nightstand come recommended by friends or amazon, I would love to hear what's on your nightstand. Here's what's on mine, besides the dust :)

The Sneaky Chef- needs to go back with the cookbooks- been in a cooking rut!

The Autoimmune Epidemic- needed a break from this read so moved on.....

Eat, Pray, Love- Borrowed it to a friend that said it talked about God too much, I loved it. Just didn't get it put away.

The Shack- don't have the words to describe, but will read it again......

Fields of the Fatherless- about moving beyond words and helping those in need. Love the concept- undecided about the content.

You Can Heal Your Life- love everything about it, practicing it daily......just bought her daily wisdom book for my purse. A little positive pick me up when I need it!

Be Happy without Being Perfect- how to worry less and enjoy life more- addresses my perfectionist tendencies- every woman should own this......

I know this is getting a little ridiculous.......

The Places that Scare You- A guide to fearlessness in difficult times- Written by American Buddhist Pema Chodron. I love Buddhist practices, I have learned the importance of staying in the present which often brings me peace. I know it seems weird to have both Christian and Buddhist books on my nightstand but who says you just have to conform to one belief system. Why not just pick what works for you......

and finally,

There is No Me Without You by Melissa Faye Greene- Fulfilling my obsession with Ethiopia and orphans, everyone deserves to know love and be part of a family! I can't put it down.

I have recently become obsessed with Carrie Underwood-yes I am a bit slow.....I ran across this video clip on another blog. More reason to love her! Enjoy and be moved.

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Been on hold

I wrote this post a few weeks back, a dear friend of mine was holding it for me until I was ready to post it......

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My dear sweet Averie is beautiful inside and out, she is wise and insightful and only 5 years old. Today I was interviewing her for a fun little face book note and asked her if mommy was famous, what would it be for? She replies, "for healing your arthritis." Not believing what I heard I asked her to tell me again, with conviction this time, she says, "because you healed your arthritis." She trusts and believes even when I do not, her faith never shaken by doubts and fears. She believes in me, she believes in God, she believes in miracles.

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I have been thinking alot about what Averie said. The word heal is very powerful and not spoken to her often, certainly we talk about mommy feeling better and we often pray for people but we don't often use the word heal simply because that seems very hard for a child to understand. Maybe she knows something that I am still not sure of.....

Don't stop praying......sweet boy's mom did not return this morning as I desperately hoped she would, not because she does not love him but because once again addiction trumped love. If she does not return shortly our dear sweet boy will be put into the state's care. What a sad day......

Addiction

As I laid on our office floor with a dear sweet three year old boy that I have grown to know and adore over the last five months I was reminded how dark the world of addiction is. I was reminded of the uncertainty, of the despair, and heartache. As I rubbed his back and softly brushed his face while he drifted off to sleep I assured him that his mommy was safe and just running late, that she would be back in the morning. Although I assured him, I know that with addiction comes no guarantees so I did the only other thing I knew to do, I prayed. I prayed that his mommy would safely return to shelter, that she will continue down the path of recovery despite this relapse, and that this dear sweet boy that has fallen victim to such a devastating disease would know that his mommy loves him, that he will be cared for and loved like he so deserves.

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There are probably not very many people that have not been impacted in some way from addiction. Like many of you, addiction has always been a part of my life. My dad is an alcoholic, I have had little contact and no relationship with him. Unfortunately like so many others the bottle was the only thing he knew how to commit to. As I drove home today I thought about that sweet four year old boy and how he wanted his mommy and of the millions of other sweet children laying in their beds wanting their mommy's or daddy's. I thought about myself and my brother when we were young, we wanted our daddy. Like the rest we did not understand this terrible disease or its capability of trumping all love.

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Again, because I do not know what else to do, I will pray and hold them in the light. I will pray for all those young children that are just wanting to be loved and cared for but that have fallen victim to addiction. I will pray for their strength and courage to persevere and to stop the cycle, that they will be shown unconditional love. I will pray for their parents, that their despair will be lifted, for their hearts to open, for them to forgive and to be forgiven.

Feeling better has freed up my mind to think about other things that are important to me. That being said I read this on another blog today.

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Something to think about
If you took all the orphans in the world and lined them up, single file, they would wrap around the world TWICE. That many children without mommy's and daddy's. Makes me wonder, what more can I do, in what ways can I help the orphan crisis?

Perspective

What we see depends mainly on what we look for.

~ John Lubbock

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On Tuesday I found myself in a stressful state and immediately felt my body taking a turn for the worse. I felt the inflammation setting in, my aches and pains increasing. This continued throughout the day, my stress level increased as I felt my blissful state slip away. I asked all day for a sign that I was going to get back to that peaceful place. The sign didn't come or at least I didn't see it until late in the day. The sign came in the form of a video called What the Bleep Do We Know ,the video is based on quantum physics or basically the power of positive thinking. It is interesting~ part documentary, part movie, definitely worth watching. I have been diligently practicing this way of thinking for a few weeks but found myself in a place where I needed a gentle reminder that it has been working and that I have the power to make changes in my life and health simply by changing my thought process. I have also been reading You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. It is written my a woman who healed herself of cancer simply by changing her thought process, by learning to love herself. The book is wonderful, I wish I could send you all a copy. This is a process and takes diligent work, along with patience and belief in one's self. Our thought process was created as a young child and it is often painful and scary to face some of the issues that are rooted deep in our souls but what an amazing feeling to know that we have the power to live the life that we dream for ourselves.